Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
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We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
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OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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