I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize