I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
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If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I think a kid would responsible me up
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
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Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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