I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
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I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
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tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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