just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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