Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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