I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
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If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
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No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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