Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
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Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
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I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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