so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize