dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
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I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
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Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I need a hoe opinion
go on
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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