yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
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She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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