I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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