so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
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