God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
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He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
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Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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