i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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