FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
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driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
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You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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