Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
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I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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