come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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