My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
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I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
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I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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