I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
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Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
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Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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