Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
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I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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