i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize