I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize