UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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