About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize