haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
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I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
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If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
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