you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
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I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
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It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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