I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
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I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
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I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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