I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
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If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
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fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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