someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
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you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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