im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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