I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
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Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
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That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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