We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
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I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
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Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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