if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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