I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
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ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
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I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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