you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
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youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
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I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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