sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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