ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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