Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
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Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
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How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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