Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
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Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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