i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
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we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
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I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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