I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
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smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
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I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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