after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
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So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Everyone says I win the strip club
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
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In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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