i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize