Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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