Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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