Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize