Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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