I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
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As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
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Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
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