theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
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Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
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It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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